“The Key to Succeeding in Marriage is not finding the Right Person; It’s Learning to Love the Person You Found!”

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said,

“How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said,

“It depends. Is that your husband?”

In all seriousness, she answered

“How do you know?”

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind. Here’s the answer: EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’s happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say,

“I was swept off my feet.”

Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking,

“Did I marry the right person?”

And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The Key To Succeeding In Marriage Is Not Finding The Right Person; It’s Learning To Love The Person You Found! SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. You can “make” love. Love in marriage is indeed a “decision”… not just a feeling.

“Being happy doesn’t mean every thing’s perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.”

The Ex Commandments and Post Break-up Stories

I’ve finished reading a book entitled “The Ex Commandments and Post Break-up Stories” written by Carmelle Hyacinth Penetrante. I did enjoy reading it because all girls would really relate with the stories. What caught my attention in the book is The Ex Commandments. These are commandments that girls should not do after break-ups. We know that when girls experience break ups, it seems like their world will shatter down on them. As if they’re gonna die especially if they really love the guy. Right? I’ll share to you my points of view, here are the said commandments:

1. Thou shalt feel the pain by wallowing in post-break up depression and by being suicidal for a week.

The moment your partner said, “I’m sorry…I don’t love you anymore”, you’ll feel like it’s the end of your world because he left you. It’s normal for a girl who has done everything for someone she loves. It reminds me of Craig David’s song, Don’t Love You No More that goes like this:

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I’m sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it’s, too late, to turn it around
I’m sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don’t love you no more

After break up, you don’t have the energy to go out of the house. You just stay in your bed with boxes of Kleenex. You’re really mad that you made yourself into a demon throwing pieces of furniture, stuffed toys and CDs everywhere. Your room is totally messed up! You even think of committing suicide! What for? Hey girl, move on! Do you really think that he is worth dying for?

2. Thou shalt throw away all photographs, anniversary gifts, movie premiere tickets, all relationship-attuned artifacts.

Yes, your room is a mess! You’re very mad to him leaving you after years of being together. You just want destroy all your photo albums with memories of you with him, pictures with beautiful places and beautiful memories must be burned. Then, you saw all the gifts that you must get rid of – the stuffed toy you named after him, the mugs you don’t want to use because of its sentimental value.

3. Thou shalt erase him from your world – the existentialist game or more popularly, DENIAL.

This is the time that friends will ask you about the break-up. All you can say:

“Huh? What relationship? I don’t know anyone named ____.”

Suddenly, you just consider him as someone not existing in this world. Bitter huh? <!–[if gte vml 1]&gt; &lt;![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–>

4. Thou shalt nurse your ego. Thou shalt buy things and splurge like crazy. Thou shalt not mind if Mango is not on sale dost deserve it.

As far as you can remember, the last time you spent like there was no tomorrow was when you bought him a gift for his birthday. Forget about it…This time, it’s all about you. You considered shopping malls as your haven, a place to recuperate your bleeding heart. You buy new wardrobes for yourself. The last time was just because you wanted to look good for him. You buy all the things you want in the boutiques and treat yourself with a shopping galore just to forget the pain.

5. Thou shalt arrange a meeting with your coven support group. Thou shalt plot and scheme, and stuff yourself with goodies.

Always remember that your friends are always there for you. During break ups like this, you’ll hear them say:

“He was so not for you, honey.”

You can share with them all the tears and pain you feel and may agree to you that MEN are the scum of the earth. That’s what friends are for…but you should know that you may also have a friend who doesn’t share your man troubles because she has a blooming love life. Wait till her boyfriend left her… that’s a joke. Still you wouldn’t want that to happen to her because it’s really a painful experience.

6. Thou shalt go on a beach vacation. Thou shalt indulge in meaningless summer flings, fully aware of their meaninglessness.

After weeks of crying, you decided to the beach to have fun and be drunk. This might help you forget him. You also consider getting yourself a man? Why not? But that would really make you trouble. Okay, the beach is a beautiful place with beautiful people. You bump into this handsome guy, get along with each other well, enjoy the night, get drunk… the bad thing is you end up throwing up everything you drink! What a shame?! <!–[if gte vml 1]&gt; &lt;![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–>

7. Thou shalt secretly sign his name up and pass his contact numbers around gay dating websites.

You’re too mad at him to the point of giving away his contacts to anyone…even to gay dating websites. You’ll be happy to know that he get irritated if he received texts or calls from gay strangers. He deserved that! No, don’t be mean.

8. Thou shalt stave the encroaching darkness back, and stay – even remotely something other than a complete mess. Thou shalt endure.

Forget single-cursedness anymore, move on. Accept suitors and date invitations. Be positive that there’ll be another man that will make you happy again. The funny thing… you have a date to someone you’re attracted to…The night is so romantic, the stars are so bright. You both have interesting chit chats. You think: “This is it!” … but you felt numb after he confessed to you that he’s gay. Don’t be sad girl, there’s so many fish in the ocean. There are still handsome men who will swift you off your feet but be careful with handsome guys…a lot of them belong to the gay world. <!–[if gte vml 1]&gt; &lt;![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–>

9. Thou shalt flirt with thou ex’s best friend and thus put throw the proverbial monkey wrench in their friendship.

Don’t drool over your ex’s best friend. You don’t have to give meanings to all his hidden implications of his consoling phone calls saying he’s really sorry that his friend was so stupid to let you go. He’s just being nice to make you feel better. Remember: They’re friends! You might end up dumped also.

10. If all else fails, thou shalt burn his F150.

Don’t think of burning his F150 or any car that he goes crazy for just to make you feel even with him. You might do the worst because you’re deeply hurt and mad with what he did for you but will you be really be happy? I don’t think so… You might end up in jail for doing that. You may see his car burning into pieces but the pain is still there. You just have to move on and accept anything that happens between you and him. Time heals wounds. In time, you’ll forget him. In time, you’ll meet the man of your dreams that you deserve.

Cheer up! <!–[if gte vml 1]&gt; &lt;![endif]–><!–[if !vml]–><!–[endif]–>